turning pages

it is over.

the whole ordeal about the miscarriage is over.

after spending the whole day saturday at the hospital only to realize that all the OR's were booked, they sent me home.

i had to come back sunday morning.

8am.

sister ioniddis took me there. her husband gave me a blessing before dropping me off.

then it hit me.

i cried for a while.

evelyn just offered her warm embrace.

no judging, no condescension...just simple compassion.

that's why i love her so much.

it was the end of my short experience with pregnancy #4.

not the end we anticipated.

but still a hopeful end.

i must say that i was ok for the whole time at the hospital, except when i was waiting to get in the OR.

I wished for someone to be there holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be ok.

the nurses were so sweet though.

i felt the medication started to kick in. the big focus lights on top of me started spinning, getting blurry... and i thought to myself: " that's what it feels like" and that was it.
next thing i know i was trying to breathe but found myself coughing, and someone out there coaching me to breathe.
"deep breaths, deep breaths" i heard.
i was too tired to open my eyes and see who was talking to me.
but when i did, i was out in the recovery room.
a nurse was telling me all about how the procedure was a success, everything went perfectly....and something that sounded like blah blah blah to me.
i was too tired to concentrate and actually listen and understand what she as telling me.
when i was getting more alert i found myself saying something in spanish and then kind of correcting myself and feeling a bit embarrassed.
the nurse seemed not to care though.
well.... i finally got home and called my mom and then called my hubby.
it was tiring to talk to them.
i went to sleep.
thanks to my rs sisters my kids spent the night away so i had all night to rest.
and rest is all i needed.
it was nice to see my kids.
they make me come back to reality.
i like my reality.
only it would be better if it was a bit less noisy....especially now.
but i love them home with me.
i like to enjoy them.
and maybe that's what i most appreciate about this hard experience.
i loved my chance to mother a 4th baby.
i loved the idea of another little being inside of me, i looked with anticipation at the day when i'll meet him/her.
and even though it wouldn't turn out this time... i enjoyed every minute of it.
and that's what i'll have with  me forever.
so now, i'm turning the page... to whatever comes in this story that is
MY LIFE.