you can take the girl out of spain, but you can't take spain out of the girl.
i love my country.
i love it.
i am grateful i was born there.
truth be told, i've been a bit disconnected about what was going on there since i came here to canada.
but i am sure i can be forgiven, because starting a life somewhere else, having 3 kids... i think i can be excused.
but lately, i've been watching their news online.
depressing is not even close to describing it.
my heart aches.
my country, my dear country is on a huge crisis.
last week they had the provincial elections.
a change is desperately needed.
anyway... i can't stop thinking about the situation there.
we want to move to spain, for a few years. but we need it to be on its way up, nor down.
i wish i could something.
i had a dream last night.
i was in some kind of meeting, people gathered to talk about options to get the country up again.
politicians and commoners were there.
the king and queen made an appearance.
i approached a lady that in my dream was the minister of defense.
i wanted to sound serious and formal, but i started crying to her.
i appealed to her love for the country, its people.
how could there be so few with so much, and so much with so little? i asked her.
couldn't they do something to be FAIR?
i saw the king and queen with their crowns, and their gowns...
" first thing i would abolish the monarchy!"
i had some fears they would accused me of treason, but i said it anyway.
"we can afford all that and people can't afford housing??"
i wanted politicians to give all they had too, for the nation. that way they will be real heroes.
i was so upset.
how could they see the country fall and think only on themselves?
it just doesn't make sense in my head they stand on platforms, and on front of mics, asking people to trust them with their votes, with their money, with their future...when all they seek is their own interest.
i know beyonce says girls run the world... i know, you wouldn't like to contradict her,
but no, girls don't run the world... corruption runs the world!
after spending the whole day saturday at the hospital only to realize that all the OR's were booked, they sent me home.
i had to come back sunday morning.
8am.
sister ioniddis took me there. her husband gave me a blessing before dropping me off.
then it hit me.
i cried for a while.
evelyn just offered her warm embrace.
no judging, no condescension...just simple compassion.
that's why i love her so much.
it was the end of my short experience with pregnancy #4.
not the end we anticipated.
but still a hopeful end.
i must say that i was ok for the whole time at the hospital, except when i was waiting to get in the OR.
I wished for someone to be there holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be ok.
the nurses were so sweet though.
i felt the medication started to kick in. the big focus lights on top of me started spinning, getting blurry... and i thought to myself: " that's what it feels like" and that was it. next thing i know i was trying to breathe but found myself coughing, and someone out there coaching me to breathe. "deep breaths, deep breaths" i heard. i was too tired to open my eyes and see who was talking to me. but when i did, i was out in the recovery room. a nurse was telling me all about how the procedure was a success, everything went perfectly....and something that sounded like blah blah blah to me. i was too tired to concentrate and actually listen and understand what she as telling me. when i was getting more alert i found myself saying something in spanish and then kind of correcting myself and feeling a bit embarrassed. the nurse seemed not to care though. well.... i finally got home and called my mom and then called my hubby. it was tiring to talk to them. i went to sleep. thanks to my rs sisters my kids spent the night away so i had all night to rest. and rest is all i needed. it was nice to see my kids. they make me come back to reality. i like my reality. only it would be better if it was a bit less noisy....especially now. but i love them home with me. i like to enjoy them. and maybe that's what i most appreciate about this hard experience. i loved my chance to mother a 4th baby. i loved the idea of another little being inside of me, i looked with anticipation at the day when i'll meet him/her. and even though it wouldn't turn out this time... i enjoyed every minute of it. and that's what i'll have with me forever. so now, i'm turning the page... to whatever comes in this story that is MY LIFE.
She begged and begged to get the ducklings for a day.
I accepted, but I signed us down before I knew about the abortion.
So i wasn't in the mood for taking care of animals. so carmen and the ducklings spent the day with my friend paula and her girls ( who were also dying to get them too!)
and here are some pictures of the event.
needless to say the drama that went on when it was time to leave.
carmen cried and cried. she was so mad at me for not letting the ducklings come to our house.
she finally forgave me though.
she had her spelling test today.
she is so good.
her reading, her writting, her spelling is out of this world.
i am so happy to have such a sensitive, smart little girl :D
some cute pictures from one of our many trips to the park.
pictures of the day we dropped daddy off at the airport :(
hours later carmen and evan went to a stake primary at the temple, where they planted some trees ( and brought one home)
isabel and i went to the library but once we got home she really missed them. she was asking for them every 2 minutes. bless.... i don't know what she's going to do when evan starts kindergarten this year :S
he/she left us without warning.
i went to have my ultrasound on thursday.
i even got carmen out of school early so she could see the baby.
and evan would get to see the baby before leaving.
but the technician there said he couldn't see anything.
so he sent me home, and there was nothing for the fam to see :(
i had never had an ultrasound so early, so we never thought anything of it.
the next day, they called me from the clinic. they had the results and i needed to go see a doctor.
today.
it was weird.
a doctor visit on a sunday.
it left us worried.
evan left yesterday and he was worried.
i went to see the doctor and he was very careful in his words.
i noticed he didn't want to say the words: "missed abortion".
that is what i had.
so i am getting another ultrasound tomorrow and we'll go from there.
but for now.
i am sad.
i got over the fear, the wonder...and got all excited, making plans... and now, i gotta change plans again.
i was late for church. i missed sacrament.
sunday school left me thinking.
sometimes you ask and you don't receive.
it doesn't mean that you don't pray with faith.
sometimes you keep the commandments but it doesn't mean everything is going to be ok.
sometimes you just have something to learn.
carmen was sad to hear the bad news. evan got all upset about it.
"my poor baby brother" he said.
bless his heart, he wants a baby brother so bad.
carmen said she really wanted a baby sister or brother, for real.
bless.
she said we'll just wait for Heavenly Father to send us another one.
and that's exactly what we'll do :D
on wednesday i take the kids to a mom's group, and we were talking about how many times a night you get woken up.
this lady said: "oh well, it is part of the contract of becoming a mother".
did i choose to ignore the small print??
there are LOTS of things you are not aware of before you have kids.
i'll take the stretch marks, the varicose veins, the dark under eyes, the worn out boobs, the spills, the messes.... whatever it is in the contract, to have my cute babies!!
after all they are my greatest JEWELS!
Mothers Who Know Bear Children
(by Julie B. Beck)
Mothers who know desire to bear children. Whereas in many cultures in the world children are “becoming less valued,”2in the culture of the gospel we still believe in having children. Prophets, seers, and revelators who were sustained at this conference have declared that “God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.”3President Ezra Taft Benson taught that young couples should not postpone having children and that “in the eternal perspective, children—not possessions, not position, not prestige—are our greatest jewels.”4
Faithful daughters of God desire children. In the scriptures we read of Eve (see Moses 4:26), Sarah (see Genesis 17:16), Rebekah (see Genesis 24:60), and Mary (see 1 Nephi 11:13–20), who were foreordained to be mothers before children were born to them. Some women are not given the responsibility of bearing children in mortality, but just as Hannah of the Old Testament prayed fervently for her child (see 1 Samuel 1:11), the value women place on motherhood in this life and the attributes of motherhood they attain here will rise with them in the Resurrection (see D&C 130:18). Women who desire and work toward that blessing in this life are promised they will receive it for all eternity, and eternity is much, much longer than mortality. There is eternal influence and power in motherhood.
on wednesday i take the kids to a mom's group, and we were talking about how many times a night you get woken up.
this lady said: "oh well, it is part of the contract of becoming a mother".
did i choose to ignore the small print??
there are LOTS of things you are not aware of before you have kids.
i'll take the stretch marks, the varicose veins, the dark under eyes, the worn out boobs, the spills, the messes.... whatever it is in the contract, to have my cute babies!!
after all they are my greatest JEWELS!
Mothers Who Know Bear Children (by Julie B. Beck)
Mothers who know desire to bear children. Whereas in many cultures in the world children are “becoming less valued,”2in the culture of the gospel we still believe in having children. Prophets, seers, and revelators who were sustained at this conference have declared that “God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.”3President Ezra Taft Benson taught that young couples should not postpone having children and that “in the eternal perspective, children—not possessions, not position, not prestige—are our greatest jewels.”4
Faithful daughters of God desire children. In the scriptures we read of Eve (see Moses 4:26), Sarah (see Genesis 17:16), Rebekah (see Genesis 24:60), and Mary (see 1 Nephi 11:13–20), who were foreordained to be mothers before children were born to them. Some women are not given the responsibility of bearing children in mortality, but just as Hannah of the Old Testament prayed fervently for her child (see 1 Samuel 1:11), the value women place on motherhood in this life and the attributes of motherhood they attain here will rise with them in the Resurrection (see D&C 130:18). Women who desire and work toward that blessing in this life are promised they will receive it for all eternity, and eternity is much, much longer than mortality. There is eternal influence and power in motherhood.
I struggled to get there... not very good visibility to start with and without glasses, it was even worse!
I couldn't even sleep last night.
Woke up at 4 and started looking around for them some more.
I felt so pressure thinking of all the things I had to do and how I couldn't drive.
So first thing in the morning, I made an appointment for an eye exam.
I got my neighbor to drive me and got me a pair of contact lenses.
My vision has actually improved.
That's good :D
She said I have the healthiest eyes ever.
Nice!
She made my day.
She kept telling me that I looked amazing: "You have such beautiful bone structure, but I am sure you get that all the time".
Yeah, right!
"You remind me of my friend. She models. You look just like her. So pretty"
She was amazingly beautiful herself. I think that's why it was so easy for her to compliment me.
Anyway... I had a great time. I mean, I wanted to wrap her and take her home with me :D
And of course it felt so much better to be able to function and accomplish everything.
I don't like unexpected expenses like this...but at least I had money aside to do my wisdom teeth and since I ended up not using it, of course something would come up!
