The Perfect Me

It is hard not having Evan around.

Who do I share all my frustrations with?

Thank goodness for the phone!

He makes me feel better... but I still need his hugs.

Well, he's got me started in a plan to describe in paper the perfect me.

All the things I want to be. All the things I want to do. And then working toward it.

He's helping me so much.

I love it.

So... it all started because I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed, disorganized and frustrated.

There's lots of things on my plate. All the things I have to do and all the things I want to do ... and no time to do it all... and if i give something time, other things get undone... thus the frustration comes.

I want to give more time to exercising, because I love it but I've found that I have left other things undone when I do.

Anyway, thinking about the "perfect me" I haven't been able to fit the "perfect size me" in my plan.

Not because it is not important for me to be healthy...but because being toned, having 0% body fat, being athletic, wearing a size 0 or having a model's body is not what I want to be remembered as or what I want my best qualities to be... it is just not what really matters to me.

So maybe, just maybe I might be happy becoming my "perfect me" and I will not feel bad about being fat.

I feel there is so much pressure, especially for women, to be perfect at everything.

I think it is a continual fight to not being made ashamed of your body. 

And what's more alarming to me is that it starts from a really early age. Any age, really, is earlier than needed. But kids need not to be worrying about becoming fat.( 81% OF 10 YEAR OLDS ARE AFRAID OF BEING FAT).

Like being fat is the worst thing that could ever happen to you.
Like women are afraid to have children because that will "ruin" their figure and add pounds to their bodies!!

It's sad....so so sad.

Like fat is the synonymy of being lazy, stupid, dirty, unworthy, unloveable... well I am fat, but I am NOT all that.

And telling me i look thin it is not the best compliment you can give me.

In fact, I care too little when people say that.

I just think is plain wrong to focus on a person's size to describe her. or even assume who they are because of they look like.

I remember being young and going thru some kind of anorexia. Apparently I got extremely thin, but I don't remember that. All I remember was feeling fat.... bigger than everyone around me.

I never felt perfect enough. And I never felt content with who I was.

Untill it changed.

I don't know when.

Maybe when I realized that beauty is in diversity.

I heard some times comments from boys saying: she's so pretty, too bad she's chubby.

I never believed that I would marry the man of my dreams. Smart, handsome, funny, romantic.... because certainly he'd go to one more beautiful, thinner, smarter girl.

And in the end... it ididn't matter my butt was big, my boobs too big, my teeth too crooked ... 

that's not what matters.

After 8 years, 3 kids and 60 pounds.... he loves me still. more than ever. because my body is not what matters.  That's not what attracts men. well at least, real men. And that's especially not what will make me perfect.

So... I'll continue to find joy in exercising, in food.... but especially and more importantly the joy of becoming the perfect me that goes beyond what meets the eye!

Now read this