Mountains to Climb.... a small mountain, but still... my mountain

what a terrible month i've had.

i've had this internal fight all month. fighting feeling so angry, so demotivated, so frustrated, so annoyed.... so desperate  so sad. ( a lot like how i feel when i'm pregnant. but no, i'm not pregnant!)

it's been a horrible month.

the little things i could brush off and keep going seemed so hurtful.

i've tried so hard to be "presentable" to everyone around me. to give the image of a strong, pleasant person.

but inside it was chaos.

i worry so much about my mother, i feel so powerless....

the one thin that has kept me afloat is reading the scriptures every day. 

i don't know how i would have coped if i had not developed that habit.

well... i think i know i would have ended losing the fight and succumbing into a hole.

a hole of self pity and depression.

i'm so grateful for the power of the word of God.

i'm so grateful for the spirit of God.

i'm grateful for the love of God.

i'm so blessed.

this totally helped me:

i am grateful for the chance to try and try again. 

the many times when i've found reassurance of  my efforts being accepted by a loving heavenly father.

oh, how i live for those moments!

i've had so many people showing support that i almost let it passed unappreciated.

but i'm so grateful for the loving care and concern and loving words that are expressed to me daily.

even feeling so impotent and fearful, i've realized i have to let go of control and leave it in God's hands.

the sooner i let go, the sooner i start to see miracles.

i read once: " When God solves your problems, you have faith in His abilities. When God doesn't solve your problems He has faith in your abilities"

well... it is a true statement.

sometimes it is for me to believe He can do everything and there are times when He believes i can!

either way...we're never on our own! 

i've been looking for ways to earn some money. we thought of a paper route, we got a call back saying they didn't have for us. :(

i've sold some mary kay products that i had left over ( i still have some more, hopefully i'll get something more sold)

i've had no more piano students :( ... but,

.... in the one week where there is nothing but rain in the forecast, evan sold the bike!

just that makes me feel more optimistic.

we have the treadmill we're trying to sell as well, and we're starting to look for gigs for Evan to do in this few months.

we'll be having a garage sale (for the first time in my life!) later on, when it starts getting nicer out... but

if anyone has ideas on anything that could help me please, share!

i'll keep doing my part....and i know He'll do His :)

hoping for a miracle... or two

my mom is sick.

well, i knew that she got dengue in Honduras and she had not been feeling well since then. like she never really recovered from that. but i didn't know she was really sick.

she called me last week and could only speak with her for two minutes . she could barely talk, she was so tired and so in pain. 

she called to let me know that doctors had found out she had 3 cysts in her thyroid.

they were going to start tests to find out if they were benign.

i hung up the phone and i  cried.

my mom is so helpless and i am so far away from her.

immediately we started a family meeting and started brain storming about ways we could earn and save money to go to visit her.

everyone contributed with ideas.

we're going to work hard to be able to do it. 

with such a big family we need $6000!!!

how can we do that???

hence.... my hope for a miracle.

in my heart i knew she had to go back to spain. she'll have better care and better medical options there.

and again... my hope for another miracle.

hoping it won't be cancer.... although her mom died of cancer, her dad died of cancer.... i can only hope it is not cancer! she can't have chemotherapy because she's allergic to an element in it.

hope that whatever it is i can see her again. that's all i want.

that's all i want!

they got to spain today. 

i callled but couldn;t speak to them cause they were sleeping.

tomorrow they have her first appointment with the doctor. get a biopsy rolling..... kind of makes me feel better.

but i am still worried. very worried. i have spoken with 2 people about it. and i didn't want to mention anything to anyone, but i need the prayers of everyone that might care. 

i'm having such a hard time.

i've cried too much. i'm so worried.

carmen heard me cry last night. she told me. she said she prayed for me. i told her that helped me so much. she gave me a hug. she said she wished she could hug me all day long to help me feel better.

evan jr said that i cry because i'm sad i never get to see my parents. 

he also said he wished we could have a baby already so he/she would be able to meet "abuela" before she dies. 

there is nothing like family.

nothing.

there's nothing like my kids kindness and sensitivity.

they touch me so deeply.

i don't know what i would do without them.

so ... we keep praying, and we keep hoping.

the different scenarios are always in my mind. always thinking about what i  would do...

and in all the possible outcomes, i need more than faith.... i need money....

but even thought i have no money, i know that the blessing to have sometime with my mother will come. the opportunity for my kids, especially isabel that has no recollection of her, to have some time with their grandma will come.

we all want it so bad.